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Harry Potter and the Death of Harry Potter/1

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Chapter 1

A New Entrance

THE SUN'S RAYS were not yet apparent over Hogwarts. It was only a dim light area of the sky that was in sight, glowing with golden-red. Harry Potter looked out the window, and realized he was waking up to another ordinary day of Hogwarts, as some nerds would say, "HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY." Or as some smart people might call it, "HOGWARTS ACADEMY OF UNSCIENTIFIC SHIT". It was Harry's eighth year at Hogwarts, and since his second there had been a contract to keep Harry at Hogwarts for an extended period of fourty years. Harry had completed all of his required classes to quit, but being the unbelievable social failure that he is, he agreed to the contract and changed the wording to "Harry Potter shall remain at Hogwarts as a student for LIFE." Professor Dumbledore was proud of this decision. So since there were no classes to attend, and no one who really wanted to socialize with him, he had to turn to other means of having fun. Notably, being gay.

Harry looked over his shoulder and saw Ron. He enthusiatically said the normal morning message to his red haired friend. "Let's be gay!"

Ron had always detested such suggestions at dawn, which had occured for about 200 consecutive days now. He had asked repeatedly at Student Services for a switch of dormitories, but got denied every time because there were no alternatives to replace Ron's position of suffering.

Ron turned over on his bed with frustration. "No! You're a freaking nerd! I'm not gay like you, humping random objects and teachers all of the time!" Ron said. The usual objection worked, and Harry withdrew his request, or perhaps it was because there was now a presence of a female that Harry was scared to commit gay acts.

"Harry, if you do not wish to get beat up by that new kid, you better stop asking random boys to be gay with you" added Harry's ugly friend Hermione, who had a habit of entering boy's dorms early. Ron was thankful, though, as it prevented another morning of pain and misery with Harry trying to get on top of him. But this certainly did not stop Ron's recent anger towards Hermione's so-called barbaric actions. After all, eight years at Hogwarts, many have went their own ways, but Ron and Hermione were forced to keep Harry company during his tenure inside school walls, and became very agitated by each other. The stay was school policy from Professor Dumbledore. They hated this decision, which effectively made themselves prisoners in some magical school. Hermione had intentions of entering medicine after one of her childhood friends died after drinking some "potion".

Hermione stood at the door, leaning on the knob, and stared attentively at Ron.

"Oh, Shut the hell up you ugly hag. Why don't you go turn into a cat, so my dog can kill you?" Said Ron, whose insults were shit. Ron and Hermione had recently had a fight over whether or not Hermione should shave her bushy eyebrows. They were no longer friends, so they often argued.

"I hate you Ron, so shut up you nerdy fruit cake! I bet you have never been in a fight in your life! You are a wimp!" Yelled Hermione, who turned to Harry. "Anyways, Harry. You better look out in The next Quidditch Game against Slytherin. That new kid, Niock, is on their team."

"I know, And I expect to die because i am as weak as a twig. Perhaps Moron Pukes will help me." Said Harry, The nerdiest kid in the school, with a slight trace at sarcasm.

There was a Quidditch Game set for the next day. Slytherin vs. Gryffindor. It was the opening Quidditch game of the season, and a lot was at stake. Not only did Hogwarts students and staff purchase the tickets valued at 40 Euros each (or 13 galleons, 8 sickles and 5 knuts according to CNN), but many outsiders and normal people (i.e."muggles") decided to purchase a spot as well.


IN THE SLYTHERIN Dormitory, Niock Frederick had already dressed for the day. He was the newest admission to the school, and was no fan of magic. His sole reason for being here was to explore what Magic was like, so he can fight fire with fire, so to speak. His non-enthusatic stance towards magic was clearly demonstrated by his choice of clothing for the day -- casual T-shit with the text "HAWAII -- HOME OF KING KAMEHAMEHA I, II, and III" printed on, and blue athletic shorts typically used for basketball. He violated the dress code of the robes most of the time, and had a habit of kicking nerdy asses. He was, after all, a large part of the reason people bothered to buy tickets to that opening Quidditch game.

It was not yet eight, and Niock was already looking for a fresh nerd after being unable to fall asleep at five in the morning.

He went to the dormitory next door to get Draco Malfoy, who now obeyed pretty much all of Niock's orders after he himself had lost all his charisma. Niock was a different character. He was a magic-hater in the middle of a magic world. He added a new element to the school, and his charisma was dazzling in many ways. Malfoy and Niock walked towards Harry's room, and along the way, Song tagged along.

Malfoy rudely pushed open Harry's door to expecting to surprise Harry in his sleep. To their dismay, they found Hermione instructing Harry to be cautious during the Quidditch Game.

"You better look out in the Quidditch Match, you freaky little nerd," Said Malfoy, as he came around the corner with a cool dude with a medium-sized afro whom Harry and his nerdy friends had never seen before. They assumed correctly that this was "Niock". " 'Cause Niock here is going to kick your nerdy ass all the way to Helmsdeep. Gar Par Yar!"

"Shut the fuck up, Malfag!" yelled Oliezhik, who had just walked by on his way too class, and since coming to Hogwarts last year enjoyed insulting Malfoy at random intervals. Malfoy had gained his nickname for his acts of following.

With an expected record-high attendance, and special appearances by famous quidditch players and The Magic Window, a "magical" alternative band, during the half-time show, the upcoming match had a lot of pomp to it.

Harry looked in awe at Niock and his 'fro. He thought Niock was a great nerd, although everyone disliked Harry now because of his homosexuality and fruityness, and everyone recognized Niock as a cool guy. He took the warning quite seriously, though thinking that he had backup in his teammates. He went back to sleep.

Niock would have beaten him right there, but not in front of a girl. Even if it is Hermoine. Niock and his gang left, knowing those Hufflepuff Pokemon Card people have probably already started their "Morning Tournament of Masters" -- a pathetic competition for Pokemon Card nerds who literally kept at least 500 cards in every binder they owned.

These were perfect nerd targets for the morning.


IT SEEMED THAT everyone at Hogwarts had hated Pothead(Potter), they just didn't really do much about it except have fun. That afternoon, Niock and his gang entered Harry's empty dorm.

"Search that first drawer, Malfag" Niock ordered, pointing to a small cabinet with decorations of pink speedos on it.

Malfoy did as ordered, hunched over, and handed out a purple book with flowers and hearts on the cover. It had "My Dearly Loved Diary" in pink, artistic printing font on the front. Song took it, easily unlocked the magic code, and flipped to a random page.

It was Harry's writing:

Harry Potter Month 7; Magic Day 182; Gay Hour 97 (Or as normal people would call it Monday, 19 November 2003) O dearful, dearful diary: I love Ron!!! I want to kiss him... (whole bunch of gross descriptive scenes that even Moron Pukes will puke to...) I also love Hard Korsy, Zhemo, Robert, Luke and Song, I have a secret crush on Malfoy, but he doesn't seem to return the favor. Hermione is ugly and needs to shave her eyebrows.

"Let's put the damn journal back, we can search it later." Niock said, disgusted.

"Yes, and then when at times of need, we'll take it out and embarrass him in front of the instructors." Song said, totally disgusted by this diary entry, especially the fact that his name was mentioned.

They were all getting ready for the Quidditch game that was scheduled for the next day. Niock's team was composed of Niock, Mitch, Oliezhik, Candy, Seen, Song, Big Ax, Plankistan and several others. Malfoy was reduced to a cheerleader because Niock took his place on the team, but he liked his job. Malfoy took pride in cheering on a popular kid.

And then there's Harry's team, composed of him and Moron Pukes. Everyone else disliked Harry and was trying to prevent themselves (males and females) from rape so stayed away from Harry's team. There were the odd exceptions, like Garmeeto Par and Dobby, who voluntarily joined at lunchtime that day. Jeetu Janitor had no choice but to be on the team, because his house placement put him in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin with the rest of his friends. Moron Pukes also knew some of his dirty secrets and threatened Jeetu.


MAROON PEUWS WAS his real name, not that Moron Pukes sounded better, but everyone called him that, and for the moment Maroon just didn't seem to be a good masculine name to him. So Moron didn't care. He had gotten used to everyone referring to him as either "Moron" or "Pukes" for the past two years, and like many people, had seldom used his real name with the exception of formal situations. Even his small group of Quidditch fans yells out "Go Moron! Go Pukes!" at every important game.

Tonight, he needed to prepare for the game held tomorrow, so he went to find his teammates. He had already gathered Garmeeto, Jeetu and Dobby, and found himself inside Harry's dorm cautiously at around five in the afternoon.

Moron Pukes walked over to Harry, who was face down on his bed making weird noises. Moron quickly refrained from looking at the disgusting site, and while covering his eyes managed to say, "Hey Harry, we need to practice Quidditch!" He yelled in a commanding manner and gave Harry a violent shove.

Harry stopped his weird noises and looked at Moron attentively, and said, "No, I still have to ask 351 men to sleep with me tonight, sorry. Can you believe it? My Future Seeker tells me George might accept tonight..."

Moron was pissed, "You are an idiot, Harry. Listen, you've asked so many men now and none of them want to sleep with you at night. Except for that male house-elf, but he's not really a man."

"Maybe it's because you don't know how good it feels, Moron. You should try it! Come to my dorm at two in the morning, I should be done with the elf by then."

Moron was disgusted.

"Go screw yourself, Harry. Literally." Pukes said as he gave Potter the finger and walked off.

Harry didn't care. He went to find Garmeeto Par.


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This page was last modified on 4 February 2009, at 05:04.
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