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It was around August of 2003 when mankind's greatest thinkers began an in-depth inquiry into the nature of man's role, place and function within the Universe. These men (and one woman who later grew a penis) spent their lives searching for answers to the Deep Questions. "Why are we here?", "Where are we going?", "What exists?", "What is good?", "What is art?", "Why does masturbation feel so good at the time, and yet so shameful afterwords?" We call these virginal losers "philosophers."

(Most philosophers spend much of their time researching that last question.) (People still feel shame about masturbating?!)

These men have searched to bridge the five pillars of man's mind and intelligence into a unified explanation of the purpose, function and importance of Life.

Theories and postulations regarding any and all of the five pillars have been debated, re-debated, and mass-debated by master-debators throughout man's cognitive history. In fact, while many of the so-called "great" philosophers are noted for insight into wholly original ideas, other entire philosophical professions have been spent not building up a system of ideas and beliefs, but merely setting fire to the foundations of others. (These are known as "philosophy professors.")

Indeed, it has been noted by a great thinker that it is far easier to burn a house down than it is to build one. And much more fun, too. The fire is fun to watch. Shiny and bright in a gaseous sort of way that flickers. So hot. Fire. Fiiiireeereeree.

Oh Jesus I pissed myself again.

But I digress. What are these five pillars upon which so much, so vast an amount of incomprehensible bullshit has been heaped? Many people have difficulty remembering the five branches, so a simple acronym should suffice. MEEPA. Or Maybe Earth Equals Poop and Assholes. They stand for Metaphysics, Epistemology, Ethics, Politics and Aesthetics.

Pillar 1: Metaphysics

Metaphysics is the timeless waste of time of trying to explain -- using as many contradictory terms and freshly coined words as the philosopher can invent -- what actually exists. Is there an objective existence that exists independent of our subjective consciousness, and which said consciousness is able to interact with and understand?

The answer: No.

Pillar 2: Epistemology

So there is no existence beyond our consciousness. We've got that part figured out. But how do we have it figured out? How do we know what we know? Epistemology is the equally useless pursuit of the knowledge of knowledge. Meta-knowledge. Is consciousness the result of a physical organ -- the brain -- that has evolved over the last 4 billion years to understand and integrate information regarding the tangible universe, or is consciousness the product of an eternal soul inhabiting the body of an erect-walking ape-creature that likes to fling its reproductive goo into garbage cans, toilets and women?

The answer: the brain one.

Pillar 3: Ethics

Now that we understand our universe and our minds (but not the minds of women, which exist within a different and highly volatile and irrational universe of their own), we must now ask ourselves how we are to act morally. This is ethics. How do we govern our own behavior? What is "right"? What is "just"? What is "good"? What is "bad"? Ethics is the study of the things we tell ourselves we consider moral and immoral, and our actions are our greatest counterpoints. Hence, every man's life is an ethical argument with himself that he always loses.

The answer: If it smells good, put your dick in it.

Pillar 4: Politics

We know the part about dicking anything that smells nice, but what if -- gasp! -- it's another human being that smells nice? What then? This is politics. How are we to determine how to interact correctly with the other bastards who occupy our Earthly property and who are currently parked in the good spot outside of Carl's Jr.? It's been noted that "Hell is other people." And that's the truth. Other people are pieces of shit. All of 'em. Bunch of smelly, no-talent fuckers with horse heads.

Politics can exist on an individual level or between two or more "tribes" of people united by a piece of cloth attached to a pole and who are all compelled to stand and assume an awkward position while a bland song on a trumpet reminds them of how proud they are of their historically allocated land-mass.

Should we nuke the smell out of France? Is slavery really "morally righteous" as Jesus so insisted? Is rape okay if it's your last resort?

The answer: Yes.

Pillar 5: Aesthetics

Now we know where we are, what we know, how to act and how to interact. So what should we do with our time?


From rudimentary drawings on cave walls of the prehistoric linear buffalo to our advanced modern art of swallowing and then vomiting red paint onto a canvas and hanging it on the wall of an apartment building that could crumble under the weight of well-timed flatulence, artistic endeavors have been mankind's greatest source of animalist pride and waste of time. But what, technically, is art?

The answer: Art Monk was a dependable wide receiver for the Washington Redskins who really does belong in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Philosophy Today

Is something that it is not wise to major in. Philosophical inquiry can take place anywhere and at any time. Therefore, it is unwise to pursue such ideas in college, where it is much more important to get laid, drop acid and get abortions. You have the rest of your life to tug at a useless thread of ambition that will never lead anywhere but a lifetime of pulling and pulling and pulling until you discover, many years down the line, that the thread leads right up your own ass.

Famous Philosophical Quotes:

"I think, therefore I don't get laid." - Rene Descartes

"Workers of the world -- you should have gone to college!" - Karl Marx

"Do unto others before they can do unto you." - Jesus

"Perhaps Christ was the anti-Christ! Wait, nevermind! That doesn't make sense! Thus spoke Zarathustra!" - Friedrich Nietzsche

"'A' is not unlike that which is not like the opposite of the entity that is not non-A." - Aristotle

"What is 'mind'? What is 'self'? What is that smell?" - Buddha

"Take my philosophical midwife, please!" - Socrates

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