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Rand, Ayn

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Rand, Ayn

Born Alissa Zinovievna Rosenbaum (later changed to Ayn Rand after the sex-change), the Russian-born writer/screenwriter/philosopher spent her life advocating laissez-faire capitalism, rugged individualism and rape.

Born in 1905, she emigrated to the United States in 1926 after receiving an athletic scholarship to the University of Notre Dame to play linebacker. She shattered every university tackling record and was best known around campus for once giving an inspiring halftime speech that lasted just over five hours, at the end of which the team entirely disseminated and proceeded to establish the Military Industrial Complex and the Disney Corporation.

She started her writing career under Cecil B. Demille -- literally -- and after penning a few original screenplays and working as a script advisor and editor on others, she left the movie business to write her first full-length novel -- "Fuck You." The book was later renamed "We the Living," and detailed the story of the Russian State's heroic victory over the cocky, beard-stroking, tongue-clucking aristocratic Argounova family. Due to the success of this book, she began her next novel, a sci-fi thriller entitled "9th Grade Required Reading" -- which again was retitled "Anthem."

"Anthem," the story of one bastard's inability to do what he's told, was not published until after her next work. Most likely due to the story's lack of wheelchair ramps.

A consistent hard worker, she forged ahead and spent the next seven years collecting unemployment checks and writing what would be her breakthrough smash hit -- "Raper Raperson and the Big Ol' Buildings He Built." The first draft of which contained a litany of unprintable "malchekitch" (Russian for "cumshot scenes") between the main character and a whole host of rapees, including the daughter of his boss, an indigent old man, a rock quarry, and the neck-hole of a decapitated horse.

Deemed "unconscionable" by her publisher, she changed the story to include more "words, ideas and other bullshit," but insisted on keeping at least one of the rape scenes. She then changed the title to "Bright Lights, Big Titties." Later "The Fountainhead."

The book brought her millions of dollars, millions of fans and national attention. The country welcomed her divisive atheist ideas with open arms, and she received a position in FDR's cabinet as Secretary of Labor.

After a highly ineffective and contentious year in the cabinet, she retired and went to work on what would be her magnum opus -- "I'm John Galt, Who Wants Ta Know?"

Writing day and night for literally 13 years, she authored what many consider to be the least-funny novel in American history. Centered on the story of woman-out-of-the-kitchen-and-into-the-frying-pan Dagny Taggert, her masterpiece gives a detailed fictional account of what happens when unconscionable, slithering idiots take over the government and attempt to organize a socialist economy (see: Europe).

Despite being profoundly unhumorous, the book sold millions upon millions of copies worldwide -- solidifying Rand's position as one of the most important writers of the post-18th and pre-21st century.

Rand in academia

Ayn Rand is universally shunned in modern academic philosophical/literary circles as being "too comprehensible" and way too "to the point." Her inability to mystify and frustrate her reader with an illogical homespun grammatical syntax and intensely personalized and subjective vocabulary (these being the cornerstones of modern academic enlightenment) has relegated her work and accomplishments to mere mention and dismissal by low-level university ethics courses and well-earned scoffing by liberal academics who rightly refuse to read anything that contains a story arc or a conclusion.

Rand's ethics

Rand believed in a controversial ethical principal she called "Rational Selfishness," which means, in short, "Do anything you want at any time to anyone, living dead or underage." In this ethical program, murder, rape, arson, theft and sex with babies are morally acceptable only if the person doing them "wanted to." It's been noted that Rand often liked to spend long summer afternoons with her husband, Frank O'Connor, conceiving and then aborting fetuses.

Opinions of Rand

Nobody doesn't like Ayn Rand. She and her ideas are loved by everyone.

Rand today

Is dead. She died at some point in the early '80s by choking to death on her own sense of self-worth. Her last words were "I was just kidding... about everything... praise Jesus!"

She was mourned by eight people who mainly showed up because they were told there would be punch and pie. (There was none.)

Her intellectual legacy has been carried on by a number of university-less academics who, wisely, have taken her ideas of individualism and personal accountability and made them their own.

Written by Harold Gark

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This page was last modified on 12 May 2011, at 11:21.
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